healing Through the Looking Glass
I have had a long-term pain in my left foot since the summer and have been semi-nursing it for 6 months hoping it would go away. Unfortunately, it was a mistake to do so. It did not get better and actually flared up a couple of weeks ago to the point where I am now limping through life. Has this happened to you? Have you ignored the signals of your body in hopes that it would just go away?
I learned from a gifted acupuncturist, Luke Adler, that the issues are in the tissues. As time passed and my foot remained in pain, I had to begin asking the question, “Is there something more to this pain that I am not seeing?” As I did, several layers arose that wanted to place their complaints in the suggestions box:
“You need to stretch more.”
“You have a hard time receiving.”
“You are having difficulty stepping forward on your path.”
“You are still angry with Susie (real name kept anonymous) and it is holding you back.”
The last complaint has the most emotional charge to it. Yes, I am still angry with Susie. So much so that everytime I see her I tense up with anxiety, jealousy and resentment. While sitting with these emotions, I have wondered how I can reach forgiveness, detach from the heart-breaking detritus of our relationship and become indifferent towards her behavior.
I have started by allowing all the parts of myself to have a voice. My inner child feels sad that she worked so hard to create friendship and was continually rejected. My inner teenager wants to yell and curse at her for being cruel and manipulative. The adult part of me is fatigued and just wants to let it all go and move on.
As I write this, I realize that Susie reminds me of the relationship with my stepmother. The feelings and perceptions I have toward Susie are almost identical to the ones I have had toward my stepmother. I am reminded that Susie is playing her role in helping me pay attention and give care to the traumatized little girl who just wanted to feel love and accepted by a caretaker.
Can I forgive Susie for her actions by understanding that she was being a mirror for my unhealed trauma? Yes. Does it mean that I should engage and be in relationship with her again? No. You can forgive someone and choose not be in relationship. If you don’t feel safe or ready to be in relationship, don’t force it. Your body and nervous system need space to decompress, heal and regulate what happened in the deepest way possible.
As I continue to walk this path of forgiveness toward Susie, I understand that healing and resolution will take time. In the meantime, it is important to make my feelings and needs a priority. It is imperative to give all of the parts of me time to cry, rant and rest.
Thank you, Susie, for being such an awesome mirror. I appreciate the role you played and see your divine purpose in my life.
