Reciprocation in relationship

I am learning what healthy love and healthy relationship looks like. I have had to learn on my own because it wasn’t modeled to me as a child. So, through much trial and error, I am starting to develop my own priorities as to what is important to me in relationship. One of these priorities is reciprocation. In the past, all I wanted was to be loved and accepted in all of the relationships in my life. So, I would people-please in order to receive that acceptance and validation. At the time I didn’t notice that in some instances my efforts weren’t being reciprocated. I didn’t notice because I was in the trauma response of fawning in order to feel safe around the person I was with. When I finally did notice, I would wait quietly and somewhat impatiently for balance to come into the relationship and then shut down when it didn’t. This was a pattern in my life for decades.

An example of this pattern is I would go out to dinner with a friend and play the role of a listener for the majority of our meal. This dynamic was fine for a few friend dates, but perhaps by date four a part of me would want the person to ask about me and my life. If that didn’t happen I would feel discouraged and insecure. Am I not good enough to be asked how I am doing? Do I need to do something different in order to for the conversation to be more equal? Am I too needy? Does the person care about my feelings? All these questions and insecurities would lead to me ghosting the relationship. As a result, the other person’s feelings would get hurt and the friendship would drift apart.

Drawing by Mai Okawa

I understand now that those types of friendships were comfortable for me because they were familiar. My home life as a child was similar. I didn’t talk much at dinner because I didn’t want to feel judged. I people-pleased my caretakers so I could feel loved and accepted. Then I would hide in my room if I didn’t receive what I needed. So, it makes sense that that type of dynamic would feel safest to be a part of because I didn’t know another way.

I require a healthier dynamic nowadays even if that means I have to let a friendship go. One difference, however, is that I build up the bravery to talk to the person before doing so. A part of healthy relationship is communication, even when it is scary and messy. Of course I get anxious that I will hurt the person’s feelings or that she/he/they will reject me. However, it is worth it because 1) I get to practice standing in my power, 2) I get to practice compassionate communication, and 3) the relationship moves into repair instead of dissolution most times. The end result is growth and more understanding of healthy love.