Feeling Comfortable being seen

I grew up in a family in which I was preferred to be seen and not heard. As I grew up, that translated into me feeling more comfortable being in the background, people-pleasing and not taking up space. Nowadays, with more self-love and respect in my heart, I remind myself often that is ok to take up space and the people in my life actually want to see and hear me. Due to the childhood trauma that I have faced, it has taken me years to open up and let long-term friendships deepen.

Until recently, I felt more comfortable in friendships in which I was the support, the listener and the counselor. If I was the listener then I didn’t have to speak about myself and share what was really going on for me. It was easier and familiar for me to be seen and not heard. However, I understand now that it was a defense mechanism for keeping people from getting close to me. Of course, I didn’t know I was doing it until a friend lovingly peered into my eyes, asked how I was doing, asked for more details and then asked about my feelings surrounding those details. The first time she asked I froze and my walls automatically shot up. I swallowed and coaxed myself to tell her at least one honest thing about my life and shared my feelings. It was hard and so foreign to my nervous system for someone to see and hear me. Afterward, I had vulnerability hangover but under that there was a tingle in my heart letting me know healing had occured that day.

My friend and I would practice sharing honestly each time we got together. Each time I shared I felt anxious and the walls around my heart were still there but began to fade as time passed. When we would end our friend date I would still feel anxious about being vulnerable but also happy and connected.

Needless to say, this connective interaction has helped create a standard in my friendships of asking for honest open sharing. Yes, it can be challenging but I find it important because it strengthens the relationship, heals my heart and hopefully the person sitting across from me.

With that in mind, I learned a valuable lesson recently. I noticed that I was expecting the person sitting across from me to ask me questions about my life and I would take offense if he/she/they didn’t. I would become concerned that the friendship was one-sided and re-evaluate my investment in the relationship. Through a little reflection and google search on healthy conversation I understand that for some it is part of their culture for you to just jump in and share rather than wait to be asked. Ah ha! Another opportunity for me to learn to take up space.

So, the unlearning of parental conditional continues as I allow myself to be seen and heard. Newest mantra/affirmation: “It’s ok for me to be seen.”